Genesis 50:20 "you intended to harm me, BUT GOD intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..."
Sunday a week ago was a very hard morning for me at church. It was my week to sing and I was so excited to be singing. I was given the opportunity to sing a solo verse as well. Now I don't do those very often so of course I was nervous. The past couple I have done have gone well so my confidence was (or so I thought) a little better. I battled in my mind....."I can't do this.....here God you have to do this.....I can't do this......God please help me.....I can't do this.......God please let your voice come out!"
The first service was ok, not great but I managed to get it out. I could hear the nerves when I sang and the battle in my mind began again. This battle raged through the break between services and into second service sermon. We take our places and once again I am back and forth in my mind with God. I start to sing and it is definitely not the sound I want to come out. I tell myself "keep going...just keep going...you can cry later". I make it through the verse, of course I am horrified and beet red! I just want to run and hide but I can't because we have two more songs to sing. As soon as the service is concluded I make a run for the door so I can get home and have my own little pity party. My sweet beautiful daughter hugs me and pats me on the back and tells me it's ok, oh how sweet and full of wisdom that girl. I get home and call my husband and ball my eyes out. So many thoughts going through my mind. I let the team down. I let the worship pastor down. I let myself down. I let God down. I think it is time to quit singing. I allowed satan and sin to overcome me that day.
Like the verse above...my God had a big "BUT" for satan over the next few days. As my friend likes to say, I had to look for the golden nuggets God leaves us. He was doing just that and showing me that He was with me the whole time and while satan meant for this to make me quit God used it to show me He is bigger! He has not called me to quit but to trust Him more.
Here are my golden nuggets from God in the following days:
1. encouragement from my daughter who also loves to sing
2. my husband reminding me that God calls us to make a "joyful noise"
3. a beautiful thank you from a friend for sharing my gift of singing (she was in the 1st service but oh how I needed to hear those words)
4. a different reaction from my worship pastor than I expected....(I don't know why we put our expectations on others, it's really not fair to them)
5. the most beautiful words of encouragement from a great friend that also sang that day, she also reminded me of the "joyful noise" God calls for (I read her email at work and had a hard time fighting back the tears)
While satan meant to tear me down the Almighty God had bigger plans and turned it into good! I so love that about our God. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He's growing me for bigger and better things.
Most Gracious and Heavenly Father, thank you for allowing me to go through battles. While they are hard at the time I know full well you will use them for good. I thank you Lord for the golden nuggets you leave through amazing family and friends. Each person you have placed in my life for a reason and I thank you for that. Lord God please forgive me for doubting you and giving into the sin of worry. I give you praise for working in my life. In your son's name AMEN!
"I sing because I'm happy and I sing because I am free. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me"
